The Collected Regrets of Clover

Death's First Witness

Clover Brooks's life is marked from the age of five, when she witnesses her kindergarten teacher's sudden death. Unlike her classmates, she sits quietly, holding his hand, unafraid. This early encounter with mortality sets her apart, both in her own eyes and in the eyes of others. Her parents, self-absorbed and emotionally distant, dismiss her unusual reaction, and Clover grows up with a sense of being different—an observer of life's endings. This formative moment becomes the seed for her future vocation, shaping her into someone who is both drawn to and comfortable with death, even as it leaves her emotionally isolated from the living.

The Lonely City's Keeper

Now an adult in New York City, Clover has become a death doula, quietly shepherding the dying through their final moments. She is often the only person present for those who would otherwise die alone, her calm presence a balm for the city's forgotten souls. Her work is both a calling and a shield, allowing her to avoid the risks of intimacy with the living. She keeps meticulous notebooks—Regrets, Advice, Confessions—documenting the last words and wishes of her clients. Each entry is a testament to the city's loneliness and the universal ache of unfinished business, but also to Clover's own need for order and meaning in the face of loss.

Rituals of Regret

Clover's life is structured around rituals: after each death, she records her client's final words in her notebooks, categorizing them by regret, advice, or confession. These rituals give her a sense of purpose and control, even as her own apartment—shared with the ghosts of her grandfather's possessions—remains cluttered and untouched. Her pets, a bulldog and two cats, are her only companions. The notebooks become sacred objects, a way to honor the dead and perhaps, subconsciously, to avoid her own regrets. Yet, the act of collecting others' wisdom only highlights her own emotional stasis and longing for connection.

Inheritance and Isolation

After her parents' sudden death, Clover is raised by her grandfather in a rent-controlled New York apartment. Their relationship is loving but reserved, shaped by mutual introversion and a shared appreciation for observation over participation. Grandpa's death leaves Clover with both a home and a profound sense of abandonment. She cannot bring herself to clear out his belongings, and her life becomes a careful negotiation between honoring the past and avoiding the pain of moving forward. The city, with its millions of inhabitants, only amplifies her solitude, and she finds herself drifting, more comfortable with the dying than with the living.

The Art of Letting Go

Clover's days are filled with the practicalities of death, but her nights are haunted by longing. She finds solace in watching romantic movies and, more voyeuristically, in observing the couple across the street—Julia and Reuben—whose intimacy she both envies and idealizes. Her attempts at connection are tentative and often rebuffed, reinforcing her belief that she is destined to be an outsider. The arrival of a new neighbor, Sylvie, threatens her carefully maintained solitude, but also offers the possibility of friendship. Clover's struggle is not just with death, but with the risk and vulnerability of truly living.

Death Cafés and Stranger Kin

To stave off isolation, Clover attends "death cafés"—gatherings where strangers discuss mortality over coffee. Here, she finds a peculiar kinship, able to talk about death without emotional risk. At one such café, she meets Sebastian, a nervous man seeking to overcome his fear of death. Their awkward interactions hint at the possibility of connection, but Clover's instinct is always to retreat. The death cafés serve as both a lifeline and a mirror, reflecting her own avoidance of life's messier, more unpredictable relationships. Yet, these encounters plant the seeds for change, challenging her to consider what she might be missing.

The New Neighbor

Sylvie, the new neighbor, is everything Clover is not—warm, outgoing, and persistent. Despite Clover's resistance, Sylvie's friendliness chips away at her defenses, inviting her to coffee and yoga, and gently probing into her life. Their budding friendship is awkward but genuine, offering Clover a glimpse of what it might mean to be truly seen and accepted. Sylvie's curiosity about Clover's work and her refusal to be put off by evasions force Clover to confront her own emotional barriers. The friendship becomes a catalyst, challenging Clover to risk vulnerability and to imagine a life beyond her rituals of regret.

Childhood Losses

Flashbacks to Clover's childhood reveal the origins of her emotional reserve. The loss of her parents, her grandfather's stoic love, and her outsider status at school all contribute to her self-sufficiency and fear of attachment. Attempts at friendship, like with Priya in high school, end in rejection, reinforcing her belief that intimacy leads to pain. These early wounds shape her adult life, making her both compassionate toward the dying and wary of the living. Her comfort with death is a double-edged sword—both a gift and a shield against further loss.

Patterns and People

Grandpa teaches Clover to observe the world's patterns—of nature, of people, of relationships. This skill serves her well as a death doula, allowing her to intuit her clients' needs and to bear witness to their pain without being overwhelmed. But it also becomes a way to avoid participation, to watch life from a safe distance. Clover's notebooks are an extension of this habit, cataloging others' regrets while keeping her own life carefully contained. The challenge, she begins to realize, is to move from observation to engagement, from safety to risk.

The Weight of Grief

Clover's grief for her grandfather is profound and enduring, outlasting society's expectations for "moving on." She resists the notion that grief is something to be fixed or quantified, finding solace instead in rituals that keep his memory alive. Her work as a death doula is both a way to honor her own loss and to find meaning in the face of mortality. Yet, the weight of unexpressed sorrow threatens to keep her stuck, unable to fully embrace the present or to imagine a different future. The city's relentless pace only sharpens her sense of being out of sync with the world.

The Confessions Notebooks

Clover's notebooks are more than records—they are guides for living. She tries to honor her clients' regrets and advice by integrating them into her own life, whether it's eating mangoes, volunteering at an animal shelter, or learning to skate. These small acts are both tributes and experiments, attempts to avoid the mistakes of the dying. Yet, the process also reveals the limits of vicarious wisdom; Clover can collect regrets, but she cannot escape her own. The notebooks become a bridge between the living and the dead, but also a reminder that action, not just observation, is required for change.

The Search for Connection

Encouraged by Sylvie and challenged by her own loneliness, Clover begins to take small risks—accepting invitations, sharing more of herself, and even agreeing to help Sebastian's dying grandmother, Claudia. These steps are fraught with anxiety and self-doubt, but they also open her to new experiences and relationships. Her interactions with Claudia, a former photojournalist with her own regrets, become especially meaningful, offering both women a chance at closure. As Clover navigates the complexities of friendship, romance, and professional boundaries, she begins to see that connection, though risky, is essential to a life well-lived.

A Life of Observing

Clover's habit of observing—whether through her binoculars, her notebooks, or her emotional distance—comes under scrutiny as she realizes the limitations of a life spent on the sidelines. Her vicarious enjoyment of others' intimacy, her reluctance to pursue her own desires, and her fear of rejection all conspire to keep her isolated. The revelation that her idealized couple across the street is not what they seem forces her to confront the dangers of projection and the necessity of authentic engagement. The challenge is no longer just to witness, but to participate.

The Unexpected Friendship

Sylvie's persistent friendship becomes a turning point for Clover. Through shared experiences—yoga, dance classes, late-night conversations—Sylvie helps Clover rediscover joy, laughter, and the possibility of change. Their bond is tested by misunderstandings and Clover's own insecurities, but ultimately proves resilient. Sylvie's encouragement and honesty inspire Clover to take greater risks, to open herself to love and loss, and to imagine a life beyond her routines. The friendship is both a mirror and a catalyst, reflecting Clover's growth and challenging her to keep moving forward.

The Grandson's Request

Sebastian's request that Clover help his grandmother, Claudia, brings her into the orbit of a family grappling with denial, secrets, and impending loss. Claudia, a vibrant woman with a hidden past, becomes both client and confidante. As Clover helps her prepare for death—organizing documents, facilitating conversations, and uncovering old regrets—she is drawn into a web of family dynamics and unresolved longing. The discovery of Claudia's lost love, Hugo, sets in motion a quest for closure that will test Clover's courage and capacity for empathy.

Claudia's Secret Love

Claudia reveals to Clover the story of her great love, Hugo, a French sailor she left behind for a more conventional life. The regret of this lost romance haunts Claudia, even as she faces death with grace and humor. Clover, moved by the depth of Claudia's longing, enlists Sylvie's help to track down Hugo, hoping to give Claudia the peace she craves. The search becomes a metaphor for Clover's own journey—an attempt to reconcile the past, to honor the heart's desires, and to find meaning in the face of mortality.

The Road to Maine

Clover and Sebastian embark on a road trip to Maine in search of Hugo, navigating not only the literal distance but also the emotional terrain of regret, honesty, and forgiveness. The journey is marked by conflict, vulnerability, and unexpected revelations, forcing both to confront their own fears and limitations. The encounter with Hugo's grandson, the discovery of unsent letters, and the realization that closure is sometimes impossible all contribute to Clover's growing understanding that life's mysteries cannot always be solved, but must be lived.

Letters Across Lifetimes

The letters between Claudia and Hugo, found in a shoebox on a houseboat in Maine, become a bridge across decades of longing and regret. Reading them to Claudia in her final days, Clover offers her the peace of knowing she was always loved, even if life kept them apart. The act of bearing witness to this love story transforms Clover, teaching her that the best parts of life require risk, vulnerability, and the willingness to let go. The letters are both a resolution for Claudia and a lesson for Clover: that it is never too late to seek connection or to forgive oneself.

The Last Goodbyes

Claudia's death is both an ending and a beginning. Surrounded by family and music, she departs with a sense of peace, her regrets acknowledged and her heart unburdened. For Clover, the experience is transformative, prompting her to reevaluate her own life, to reconcile with Sebastian, and to deepen her friendship with Sylvie. The loss of her beloved neighbor Leo soon after is another blow, but his final advice—to live a beautiful life—becomes a guiding principle. Grief, Clover learns, is not something to be fixed, but to be carried with love and intention.

Living a Beautiful Life

Inspired by the wisdom of the dying and the encouragement of her friends, Clover begins to let go of the past—clearing out her grandfather's belongings, embracing new experiences, and opening herself to love. She honors her clients' regrets by living more boldly, taking risks, and seeking joy. A budding romance with Hugo, the grandson, offers the promise of new adventures, while her friendship with Sylvie deepens into a source of strength and laughter. Clover's journey is no longer about avoiding pain, but about embracing the fullness of life, with all its messiness and magic.

Letting Go, Moving Forward

With Sylvie's help, Clover transforms her apartment—and her life—by letting go of the objects and habits that have kept her tethered to grief. The process is both painful and liberating, making space for new memories and possibilities. Discovering her grandfather's hidden joys and secrets, Clover realizes that everyone contains mysteries, and that understanding is less important than acceptance. As she prepares to travel the world, she carries with her the lessons of the dying, the love of her friends, and the hope of living a life with fewer regrets.

The Promise of Adventure

Clover's story culminates in a leap of faith: she sets out on a global adventure, camera and notebooks in hand, determined to live more courageously and to savor the unknown. Her relationship with Hugo blossoms, grounded in mutual understanding and the shared legacy of their grandparents' love. The scattering of Claudia's ashes in Corsica becomes a symbolic reunion, not only for the lost lovers but for Clover herself—a reconciliation with the past and an embrace of the future. The journey is ongoing, but Clover is finally here, still living, still learning, and still open to the magic of mystery.

Epilogue: Here, Still Living

On the cliffs of Corsica, Clover reflects on the interconnectedness of lives, the inevitability of loss, and the enduring power of love. She recognizes that meaning is not always found in understanding, but in the willingness to live with mystery, to cherish the present, and to risk the pain of regret for the possibility of joy. The voices of those she has loved and lost echo in her heart, urging her to be "cautiously reckless," to live a beautiful life, and to savor the simple truth: we are here.