How To Win Friends and Influence People

Importance is the unsatisfied craving. Philosopher John Dewey identified the desire to be important as the deepest urge in human nature. Carnegie argues this desire drove Lincoln from poverty to the presidency, inspired Dickens to write novels, and pushed some people to literal insanity when the real world denied them any feeling of significance.

Appreciation and flattery are opposites. Charles Schwab earned over $1 million per year not for knowing steel, but for arousing enthusiasm through genuine encouragement. Flattery is insincere — from the teeth out. Appreciation is genuine — from the heart out. A study of runaway wives found the top reason was "lack of appreciation." Carnegie's challenge: we wouldn't let families go six days without food, yet we let them go years without heartfelt recognition.

Bait the hook for the fish, not yourself. Carnegie's most vivid metaphor: "I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but fish prefer worms." Every persuasion attempt should begin with one question: "How can I make this person want to do it?" This is not manipulation — both parties should benefit.

Carnegie cut his own rent hike by applying this. When his hotel tripled lecture-hall rent, he didn't argue. He listed the hotel's disadvantages of losing him — no foot traffic from attendees, no advertising value. Result: a 50% increase instead of 300%, without once mentioning his own needs. Barbara Anderson wrote to 12 banks explaining how her experience could help their growth. Eleven invited her to interview.

Carnegie barely spoke — yet was called brilliant. At a dinner party, he asked a botanist questions and listened for hours. Afterward, the botanist praised Carnegie as "a most interesting conversationalist" — though Carnegie had said almost nothing. Genuine curiosity signals respect more powerfully than any performance.

Disinterest in others is the root of social failure. Psychologist Alfred Adler wrote that the person not interested in fellow humans "has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others." Theodore Roosevelt greeted White House scullery maids by name. Magician Howard Thurston repeated before every show: "I love my audience." A salesman retained a client simply because he bothered greeting the soda clerk — something no other rep ever did.

Names win elections and close deals. Jim Farley — who helped put FDR in the White House — could call 50,000 people by their first names. His system: learn every acquaintance's full name, family details, and interests, then recall them perfectly a year later. Every personal letter he wrote began "Dear Bill" or "Dear Jane," signed simply "Jim."

Andrew Carnegie weaponized this insight. To sell steel rails to the Pennsylvania Railroad, he named his Pittsburgh mill the "Edgar Thomson Steel Works" — after the railroad's president. When competing with Pullman for a sleeping-car contract, he proposed a merger and suggested calling it "the Pullman Palace Car Company." Pullman's face brightened, and the deal was done.

Agree with your competitor and watch the fight vanish. Truck salesman Pat O'Haire used to argue with customers who praised rival brands — and never sold anything. After training, he'd respond: "The Whose-It is a good truck. If you buy it, you'll never make a mistake." With nothing to fight, the customer would stop, listen, and often switch.

Even factual victories backfire. A tax consultant argued for an hour with a government inspector over $9,000. Nothing worked. When he switched to praising the inspector's expertise and expressing genuine admiration for his difficult job, the inspector became friendly and ruled in his favor. Benjamin Franklin banned certainty words like "certainly" and "undoubtedly" from his vocabulary — and became America's most effective diplomat.

Self-criticism disarms every opponent. Carnegie walked his dog Rex without a leash despite park rules. When a policeman caught him a second time, Carnegie confessed instantly: "You've caught me red-handed. I'm guilty. I have no alibis." The officer's only path to feeling important was showing mercy — and he let Carnegie go. Had Carnegie argued, the result would have been a fine.

This works at the highest stakes. After Pickett's catastrophic charge at Gettysburg, Robert E. Lee rode out alone to his beaten troops: "All this has been my fault. I and I alone have lost this battle." A commercial artist who preemptively criticized his own work found his scolding client suddenly defending him — and handing him more commissions.

Stop selling — let them buy. Sketch salesman Eugene Wesson called on the same buyer weekly for three years without a sale. When he finally brought unfinished sketches and asked, "How could we finish these so you could use them?" the buyer shaped the designs himself and accepted all of them. Scores of orders followed.

This works at the presidential level. Colonel House influenced Woodrow Wilson by planting ideas "casually" until Wilson presented them as his own at dinner. House never claimed credit — he wanted results, not recognition. An X-ray manufacturer asked a hospital director for advice on improving new equipment. The doctor studied it, fell in love with it, and ordered it installed — convinced the purchase was entirely his decision.

Specific praise changed musical history. Enrico Caruso's first teacher said his voice sounded "like the wind in the shutters." His peasant mother praised every improvement and went barefoot to afford lessons — creating the greatest opera singer of his age. Charles Dickens mailed his first manuscript in the dead of night so no one would laugh. One editor's acceptance kept him from spending his life in rat-infested factories.

Targeted recognition outperforms vague compliments. When a print shop owner told a struggling new employee exactly which piece was superior and why, the man transformed into a loyal, dedicated worker overnight. Carnegie's rule: praise the slightest improvement, and praise every improvement. Give people a fine reputation to live up to, and they'll strain to prove you right.